Spanking for Pleasure
(Spanking Hints and Advice)
As with all these things, I will begin by making it very clear that this advice is from personal experience, and lists some of the spanking techniques that work for me. I am not about to tell you that this is necessarily the "right" way to spank, or the "only" way spank. However, I do hope that it helps a few people through their first experimental spankings. Also, I apologise if I slip into "Male spanker, female spanked" verbiage sometimes, it is just the way spanking works for me. There is no reason why the exact same spanking advice will not work for any combination of sexes.
Good, erotic spanking is an art form and requires skill, practice, and an empathy with the bottom. Banging off too enthusiastically will almost always lead to quick disillusionment. The dominant must avoid the temptation to prove his machismo as the sensations will come too quickly and too intensely and will simply kill the fun. The word that does not belong in spanking is "hurt", what we are aiming for is a warm, glowing, throbbing sting, built up slowly over an extended period of time.
Always remember, we are talking about an act which takes place between two consenting adults. You are both, hopefully, going to take a deal of erotic pleasure from the spanking so that it becomes a part of your regular sex antics. Often, one or other partner will be new to spanking and may well be taking what seems to them to be a huge risk, so the key is to make this introduction low key, comforting, and non-threatening.
Spanking is categorically not about violence. There are many 'vanilla' men who equate the idea of spanking their partner with "hitting", sometimes born of early childhood experiences, and the learned maxim that "striking a female is always wrong". It can be very difficult for a woman to convince her man that she really does want to feel his hand slapping her bare backside, firmly and rhythmically. Hopefully the words of this page will go some way to convincing him that you are neither mad, nor a masochistic punch-bag.
Hands up all you men who have harboured the desire to spank a female bottom since forever, but have never dared raise the subject for fear of being branded a sick thug? And yet your partner will probably be more upset to hear that you have unfulfilled desires! Most reasonable women will be prepared to at least "give it a try", provided the subject is introduced carefully, and sexily.
Further down, this page will suggest a few tips which may help overcome the hurdles.
A Brief Definition of Spanking
In my experience there is a dual aspect to erotic spanking between consenting adults. For both spanker and spankee, the purely physical act satisfies our deepest innate needs. Scientific research has demonstrated anatomical reactions to receiving a spanking, chemical changes rushing from nerve centres to affect parts of the brain, in a good way. Endorphins, that is. But I do not intend to delve too deeply here, it is enough to understand that either giving or receiving a spanking is a tremendously cathartic experience, presuming that it is carried out sensitively. The physical act is the core to all that surrounds the experience.
But I do not believe the true eroticism of the act is apparent in the purely physical. Just as with straight-forward sex, it takes our brains to get in on the act before we begin to enjoy the physical in a deep and emotional way. Whether giving or receiving, our minds absorb the physical sensations and incorporate them into our thoughts and fantasies. Consciously or not, we are each taken to a place within ourselves where an inner roleplay is enacted. At least, in my own experience it is highly unusual to remain strictly in the 'here and now', purely focussed on the action within the room. This should not be confused with the notorious accusation that we are sometimes engaged in sex with our partners but fantasizing that they are a movie star. It is more that we are (at least subconsciously) being guided by our fantasies which probably do not revolve around a specific person, rather they are a jumbled cloud of erotic snippets that have accumulated over the years.
In my experience, a spanking partnership functions at its very best when your playmate's deepest and darkest fantasies and desires are a close match with your own. This is often quite difficult to establish, since relative strangers are very unlikely to blurt out their kinkiest, most personal fantasies at first meeting. But over time, as the relationship flourishes and matures, the partners become more confident in each other and slowly reveal snippets of the things most personal to them. It could turn out that one partner reveals a fantasy involving X, while the other partner has always tried to suppress the same fantasy, considering it too deep and too dark to cope with. This being the case, they have the opportunity to explore a whole new avenue together, very intimate, and very personal. Such liaisons are capable of producing an incredible intimacy that is much more intense than even the longest serving married couples ever achieve.
With each new partner - and partnerships such as those described above do not come along very often - there is the added eroticism of exploring another person's mental furniture and playing with their 'toys' for a while. Not to mention having someone to share your toys with.
Spanking is one of the classics in erotic power exchange. The term spanking is usually used for anything that has to do with smacking the bottom. In general, no other parts of the body are involved. Strictly speaking, a spanking can only be applied by hand, but the term commonly applies to punishments delivered with the back of a hair brush, a table tennis bat, a slipper, a broad belt, a whole raft of innocently sold kitchen implements, a swat, or small leather devices sometimes formed in the shape of a hand.
The submissive partner should be prepared to hand over control, to submit in the best sense of the word, not through fear, but through the desire to please, to be good, the need to be controlled, to have another call the shots. When done well, a spanking scene will cause the submissive to experience that perfect, powerful and erotically devastating combination of total vulnerability and total safety.
Many people combine spanking with other erotic stimuli like schoolgirl play or (old fashioned) lingerie. Strict role-play - daddy & naughty girl, uncle & naughty niece, teacher & schoolgirl - is often used. In other words, while many people use spanking as a form of "punishment," it actually makes a great intro to other active play forms as well. Spanking, to quite a few people that are into erotic power exchange, is a cult on its own. These spanking purists will not combine spanking with any other form of d/s play and the spanking will often be used as a "punishment". Very often these people will go a long way when it comes to creating the right setting for their form of role-play and especially the mode of dress is all important. In some cases this will include NOT removing all clothing but deliberately leaving some parts, like stockings, garters or knickers on.
But to most, erotic spanking forms part of their routine sexual adventures. The event functions as foreplay, and leads almost immediately into full sexual union.
Setting the Scene for a Spanking
Assuming that at least one of you has never been erotically spanked before (or tried it, but it all went wrong), then the significance of what is about to take place should not be underestimated. A 'vanilla' will be fighting against their instincts, either that 'hitting' is wrong, or that the last thing they want is to be slapped and humiliated. Approach it as a game, something to be looked forward to with excitement, even if tinged with a fear of the unknown. Both parties should have talked the idea over, explaining why they like it so much, what is does for them, what it means to them, and what is does not mean. The first spanking should be planned in advance so that both parties have the opportunity to adjust their mental furniture, even if it is seen as something which must be tolerated rather than enjoyed. Hopefully that attitude will change, if your approach and technique is good enough. Try not to make it into too much of a big deal though, as this could lead to problems.
So, you both have a night(?) of thoroughly erotic fun to look forward to. A little preparation will go a long way towards helping the event run smoothly.
Are there children to consider? They have notoriously flappy ears, consider the questions you might have to face over breakfast the next morning! Getting the house to yourselves is a very good idea.
A seductive atmosphere is good. Get at least one room nice and warm. Low light - candlelight is especially good. Some quiet music may help, but could also be a distraction. You are aiming for both parties to lower their inhibitions, at least a little.
A word on alcohol. In one way, it is an excellent way of lowering inhibitions, however that fact works against the person who is going to be given control. It is essential that the 'Top' maintains full control over themselves. And for the person who is going to be spanked, alcohol dulls the senses and distorts physical sensation and judgement. Not a good idea if you're already very uncertain about how you're going to feel while being spanked.
You should both be relaxed, ready and willing for the fun to start. A sense of humour is a useful part of the equipment, but at the very least no excessive serious mindedness to make it hard for one or both partners to reveal how they are really feeling as the action progresses.
The Vanilla Spanker
Forget any pretence that he will adopt a dominant role. Roleplay can come later, but for now he has to concentrate on the purely physical act of smacking his hand against your bottom. He knows you want to be spanked, and that you expect to enjoy it, but he has no concept of how this could be possible. Also, he has no way of knowing how hard/fast/long, or exactly where and how he should spank you. The answer here is constant communication, both verbally, and physically throughout the spanking. He needs to be constantly reassured that this is what you want, that you are enjoying your experience, and that you want him to continue. You must direct his every move. This is, of course, going to prevent any real spontaneity or submissive feelings, but we're playing a long game here, and building his confidence and knowledge.
Tell him which spanks feel best, where feels best, and how fast you like them. Try to keep your commentary positively phrased, as he will interpret 'not too hard', 'not up there', 'slow down a bit', as evidence that he has/is hurting you, and it may not take much to provide him an excuse to stop. He'll need coaching and coaxing along the way, not correcting or complaining at. And it must be absolutely ok for him to get it wrong. He's very unlikely to be willing to experiment for himself until he's come safely through one spanking session, seen your wild arousal and benefited from the fruits of his efforts. Show him a lot of appreciation during, and after, your spanking.
The Vanilla Spankee
As with a vanilla spanker, she may be far to busy worrying about what you are about to do to her to concern herself with trying to adopt a spanking role. In the early days you are going to smack her bottom for no other reason than you enjoy doing it. Clothing should be uncomplicated, so perhaps knickers and a nightdress will make her bottom accessible without being too over the top. I suggest that you make yourself comfortable sitting up at the top of the bed. Invite your quaking lady to place herself face down across your lap, and make her comfortable.
Alternatively, it is possible that your lady is the kind of girl who is happy to allow her imagination free reign. In this case she may well find that by acting out a spanking role (naughty schoolgirl, careless secretary, overspending wife, etc), she can get past her very real fears that you are going to genuinely 'hurt' her.
At this time she will be very tense and anxious, you will probably be able to feel the stiffness in her body. Your primary concern is to help her relax, both physically and mentally. She's found herself in an altogether unfamiliar physical position (or, possibly, one that reminds her of being a child, but that's another issue) and she simply won't know what to expect, how to behave, what you're about to do, except in broad brush strokes. She may be unable to take it seriously, or find herself taking it much too seriously, but either of these will be born of uncertainty and trepidation.
Constant reassurance is the order of the day. No, she doesn't look ridiculous (important because she will most certainly feel ridiculious), but very sexy. Her spanking position lends itself to a little gentle back massage, which is never unwelcome. Also you can stroke the length of the backs of her legs, there are lots of erogenous zones there. Talk to her constantly, tell her how good she looks from your position, tell her how good it feels to you. Let her know how hard she has made you! This is principally an erotic event, so try to merge the spanking into erotic foreplay. If you are anything like a typical male, she will never have had so much pampering! And avoiding her bottom during this caressing will both throw her off guard (she was thinking you were only interested in her bottom) and heighten her awareness of the part you're not touching, which makes all those nerve-endings start yearning for some attention. Somewhere during this preliminary fondling, start saying very flattering things about how sexy and desirable her bottom is. It's a body part many women feel self-conscious about in everyday life, and there you are turning it into the centre of attention. And, as a spanker, you have some very luscious and sexy things to say about bottoms, don't you?
When the time is right, you must decide whether you are going to spank her bare, or leave some clothing in place. But whichever, don't keep her guessing. Tell her what and why you are going to do whatever you have decided. A bare bum is wonderfully erogenous to the majority of women, so having made her anxious by baring her bum, you can spend the next five minutes or more stroking every last inch of it. Let her know how fantastic she looks and feels to you. And if you are doing a really good job, she may even allow her thighs to spread apart a little, allowing access to her more tender bits. Enjoy yourself, she will pick up on your mood and feel able to go along with you.
OK, so the time has come. GET A GRIP OF YOURSELF. This is NOT your only opportunity to spank a bottom. You may have waited many years for the opportunity, and at last it has arrived, but don't blow it! Your every instinct is to wallop away at those bare cheeks, releasing years of pent-up frustration, but you must resist.
Keep talking. Go over the communication language you agreed beforehand. Make sure she knows that she can ask you to stop at any time, and that you will. Make sure she knows to tell you if it is too much for her, or if she needs a break. And set your own expectations. This first spanking will hardly sting at all, even at the end. You are aiming to leave her with a sensation of warmth, no more. You must prove to her that being spanked doesn't 'hurt'. That is what she expects and she will call a halt the moment it feels like she is being proved right.
For her, something is likely to shift in her head once the spanking is underway. She will go from someone who has consented to be spanked because it's your thing, to someone who has been and is being spanked. The world hasn't come to an end. She isn't in pain. She isn't being assaulted. You haven't turned into some caveman who doesn't respect her anymore. Instead, she's experiencing new physical sensations, which she may find arousing or not, but she's crossed a personal rubicon and if she's still willing to allow you to continue, you will probably note a degree of relaxed acceptance in her. This is NOT a signal to let rip. It is only permission to continue as you are.
Mingle your spanks with loads of stroking and caressing. Perhaps even slip your finger tips down between her thighs for some tender stroking there. Your intention is to merge the notion of spanking with sex in her mind, and one should flow naturally into the other. Watching a woman orgasm while lying face down across your knees is a wonderful thing.
Remember, she's unlikely to remain in the same state of mind throughout. She'll pass through some combination of reluctance, anxiety, fear, ambivalence, reassurance, sensual pleasure, arousal, conversion to the life of the spankee, indifference, discomfort. Hopefully she'll have all the positive ones, but you have to prepare yourself for it simply not working for her.
A Word on Spanking Technique
Once past the initial acclimatisation spankings, you will hopefully have her agreement that being spanked is actually quite fun. If you are really lucky her reaction may be even more positive than that, and in fact she turns into a raving nympho the moment her bottom is smacked. But it is more likely that she will cautiously agree to go a little bit further each time. This is when your judgement will be tested, but provided you both talk about your feelings and emotions, there should not be too many problems.
Most erotic spankings follow a similar pattern in the beginning, it is only later that the more experienced will continue to ramp up the intensity after 'beginners' call a halt. What you should aim to do is "warm up" the bottom by starting with light spanks until the cheeks start to "blush". This should produce a warm and quite pleasant 'burn' which few will object to.
Next, wait a while - and in the meantime enjoy the view - and repeat the session, this time a little more firmly. This process can be repeated a number of times until she can take as much as you want her to, or as much as she can. Before you even start to spank, let her wait for a while. Just lay her over your lap, and gently stroke her bottom first. Enjoy the sense of control as she lays submissively across your lap. Perhaps you may want to lift her skirt if she is wearing one, and possibly even lower her knickers. Perhaps you will want to save these delicious tasks until later. And possibly the greatest 'humiliation hit' will come when she is made to raise her skirt and lower her own knickers in front of you. Make it erotic. Make it exciting. Take your time. There is no hurry. This is supposed to be a feast, to be enjoyed and savoured.
Spanking is best done methodically and rhythmically. Keep a steady but not too intense pace and do not use too much force. It is the number and delivery of slaps which does the trick, not so much the impact and force. The lower part of the bottom - close to the legs - is more erotically sensitive and so are the fleshy sides of the bottom, so concentrate on this area. The upper areas of the buttocks tend not to be erotically connected, and feels more like the lower part of the back to the spankee. Stay away from the tailbone and any region above that but there is nothing against incorporating the inner and outer thighs and the back of the upper legs in your spanking. Try spreading the bottom cheeks with one hand and softly spanking the anal area with two or three fingers of the other, and you may get some amazing results. And some girls seriously get off on having their pussy lightly spanked, although very few will volunteer this information.
There are various ways to intensify the effect of your spanking without applying more force. Initial spanks are best delivered with a rigid palm acting like a paddle.
By relaxing your wrist you will increase the effect dramatically. To provide a different, and impressively noisy smack, try cupping your hand slightly so the entire hand makes contact at once.
Stingier spanks are best achieved by applying just the fingers, and things will get really tough if you spread your fingers. This will reduce the air-resistance between your hand and her bottom and also will lead to individual contact between your fingers and her body, widening the area and creating a very special, stingy, but intense effect. Using both techniques combined at the end will bring about a "grand finale" that will be remembered for a few days.
There are quite a few well known positions in which one's subbie can be placed:
- OTK (Over The Knee)
- Diaper position
- Touching Toes (Bending over)
- Over Pillows
- Across the Bed
- Bending over the Chair
- Leaning with hands against the wall (and bottom thrust out!)
The classic spanking position is, of course, OTK (Over The Knee). By far the majority of 'girls who expressed a preference' opted for the humiliation, closeness of contact, and sense of restraint afforded by being placed face down across their man's knees. And from the disciplinarian's perspective, while the position offers a half-bent bottom at a convenient height and distance, there is something very special about feeling the body weight press down on you as a person submits themselves to you. And within this position, there are the two quite different methods of getting there. One might 'be required' to place oneself submissively into position, or, one might find oneself 'hauled unceremoniously' across a waiting lap. Both methods have merit within role-play, and the nature of a scenario will dictate which is most appropriate.
The other positions all offer slightly different perspectives, and any one person may find that a particular position carries a specific resonance. Generally they lack the close contact offered by an over the knee (OTK) position, but certain situations and particularly spanking with implements often require a reasonable distance between the chastiser and 'victim'.
Spanking and Tears
Sometimes tears can be very erotic. Some girls cry when they are spanked, and many do not. But contrary to what you may think, in general tears are provoked by what is going on in the submissive's head, not her bum. In the event you are looking for tears you need to take another route from that which you might expect. What most experienced spankers will do is concentrate on the mental aspects of the event, by providing fuel for the submissive's 'imaginary' guilt. He will play on all those guilt complexes which were learned during childhood. He may show how the submissive's real or roleplay behaviour has 'disappointed' him. He may elect to announce the 'punishment' in advance of performing the actual spanking. Things like having to stand in the corner and wait for the punishment spanking to be administered or having to confess her 'sins' while standing in front of the dominant will dramatically increase the mental impact of the spanking. Shame, humiliation and fear play a huge part in this technique and this 'preparation' will later intertwine with the physical activity. No two people are the same, and what works perfectly for one will completely miss the mark with another.
DO NOT attempt to produce tears by spanking ever harder, all this is likely to produce is anger. Tears will come as a result of emotional release, not pain, and your submissive needs to be in a specific state of mind before she will feel able to let go of her emotions with you to this extent.
Corner Time - Before, During and After a Spanking
The 'official' purpose of corner time is to focus the transgressor's attention on the 'crime' and its effects. In practice it allows the sting from the spanking to subside and be replaced by a throbbing warmth, your 'victim' will be thinking of little else, unless of course she has been promised a further dose of attention.
This is an important time in a spanking, and it can be used for many things. Sit back, enjoy the sight of your lady, knickers lowered and skirt raised, sneaking rubs of her pinkened cheeks. Perhaps you may want to lecture her more to increase the humiliation factor. Calmly sitting and describing how she would look to a passing visitor can be especially effective. Use the time to draw breath (for both of you), calmly assess the effect and reactions of your lady. Do not proceed regardless, there should be a constant process of checking and re-evaluation.
Many girls quickly discover that this element of their discipline is the epitome of humiliation and degradation. While they will cheerfully submit to having their bottom roasted, they will beg not to be sent into the corner. Please remember that the event in its entirety, MUST be consensual, but some co-coercion and threats of more strict punishment may be required to 'force' her submission.
Spanking is frequently done in different sessions. Especially if all this is new to you, this may be a very good way to find out where your respective limits are. Doing it in several subsequent sessions will allow your partner to recuperate between sessions and one of the main advantages of pausing between sessions is that the impact and effect will be a lot more intense. Every pause will allow the nerves to reactivate after being slightly numbed during the previous spanking. As a result, the nerves will start the next session relatively fresh and the impact will be bigger, even without intense spanking.
Spanking as a Prelude
To spanking non-purists especially, a spanking quite often will be the overture to other things. A playful spanking to begin a scene is a very effective and simple way to spark a scene and get the adrenaline running. Even one or two friendly slaps on the bottom will sometimes be an indication - a promise - of other things to come. And spanking also serves as a great warm up for other BDSM techniques, such as whipping and especially caning.
There is a valid scientific reason for this, which I will endeavour to explain from my layman's perspective. By way of self-protection, when nerves feel the impact of repeated blows, they trigger the production of endorphins which rush their way to the brain to suppress the worst of the pain. Stress and pain are the two most common factors leading to the release of endorphins. And let's face it, 'punishment', no matter how playful, is likely to produce plenty of both!
Endorphins interact with the opiate receptors in the brain to reduce our perception of pain, having a similar action to drugs such as morphine and codeine. Unlike drugs, however, activation of the opiate receptors by the body's endorphins does not lead to addiction or dependence. In addition to decreased feelings of pain, secretion of endorphins leads to feelings of euphoria, modulation of appetite, release of sex hormones, and enhancement of the immune response. With high endorphin levels, we feel less pain and fewer negative effects of stress. So there you are, a good spanking makes you high, makes you slimmer, and makes you better!
This reaction can be used to advantage by 'warming up' the bottom with a hand spanking prior to more severe punishment such as caning, and thus reducing some of the intense pain which can mask the more pleasurable effects of this powerful event. And yes, I did mean pleasurable effects!
Spanking a 'Brat'
To put this heading into context, I am referring to the partner who will playfully refuse to be spanked. Who will run like the wind, kick your shins, bite your hand, twist, wriggle, kick, scream and shout, in fact anything except lay herself gracefully across your waiting thighs.
This scenario can be tremendous fun, and suits many people better. In fact it can be advantageous to the new submissive who can't quite bring herself to succumb completely.
Just one word of warning! During the playful struggle, a person's adrenaline flows freely, muscles become used to working harder, and one or two knocks may be taken accidentally. So when it comes to beginning the spanking proper, it is vital that a moment is taken to settle back down, the danger being that the spanker may apply his palm with just a little too much zeal.
By all means twist and kick and yell and scream, but try not to be too hard to overpower. Or you may find yourself on the receiving end of more than you bargained for. <smile>
Why I Like Spanking
I got spanked recently and I enjoyed it. Remarkable.
My spanker asked me to detail what it is I liked about OTK spanking as opposed to caning etc etc. He felt my short essay on the subject deserved a wider audience; so here it is. I speak only for myself, I may be different from other girls.
What I like about being spanked is not only the ritual but the actual event itself.
Obviously with OTK (Over The Knee) spanking there is the intimacy of body contact and the fact that the hand that slaps can also pleasure. Even if it does not involve genital touching, OTK spanking is a very intimate act. You can sense the arousal of the spanker and hear him panting, whether that is from exertion or sexual arousal. It's a journey you undertake together, as opposed to a caning where the caner coldly exerts authority and distances himself from his victim.
The main thing is that the slaps are close together, there is no time to recover your composure, it's a build of sensation from which there is no escape unlike a caning in which the strokes are painful for 30 secs at most. It lacks the tension of anticipation and fear, but I've never gone for that anyway.
OTK spanking produces an involuntary loss of control, an abandonment and a state of altered consciousness that is similar to sexual arousal (strangely I don't think it IS just sexual arousal - it seems to be the same end result by a different route. It's the pain initially that makes you wriggle, kick and cry out, but those cries ringing in your ears can sound almost orgasmic.)
There is an extreme loss of dignity in having this state induced in this particular position, bum in the air, and/or legs pushed apart and orifices invaded, and even more so when these indignities cause further involuntary bouncing and moaning. A hand spanking forces you into wanton behaviour in a way that a caning does not.
So, Sir, that is why I like spanking.