Spanking and Relationships


Here are some thoughts on the complexities facing anyone who embarks on a 'specifically spanking' relationship.

"Accept My Discipline or Be Dismissed!"

Not a very palatable scenario. For the person issuing the options, they are manipulating their 'victim' towards succumbing to physical violence in a categorically illegal way, most probably taking advantage of a situation in order to satisfy their own self-centred urges. With direct parallels with forcing the victim to perform other sexual acts (and quite possibly in addition to), the victim is known to be caught between a rock and a hard place and taken full advantage of. Who knows how many countless thousands of employees have found themselves in this very situation over the decades, and I have absolutely no doubt that it is a daily occurrence somewhere around the world. We can only despise those who victimize in this way, regardless of whether the victim has actually done something wrong to place themselves at their mercy.

And yet the 'rape fantasy' is widely recognised as being easily the most common female fantasy. And for many, being inveigled into accepting a humiliating bare bottomed spanking, and more, comes a very close second. For reasons - possibly not even known to themselves - men and women imagine themselves being forced into situations where they become a helpless victim, and the more extreme the better.

The school scenario is extremely common among those with a predilection in this way. Nothing to do with children, I hasten to point out, these are adults replaying their childhood memories. Not too surprising given the power dynamics between teacher and pupil, and the very common sexual attraction that school pupils often encounter towards their chosen teacher, the pinnacle of these fantasies unsurprisingly being, 'called to the Headmaster's Study' in order to be disciplined. But any situation in which a power dynamic exists may be involved, most specifically one in which the submissive has committed some form of minor transgression. Illegal parking, unpaid library fine, late for work, caught speeding, forgetting the dry cleaning, over spending, unpaid rent, the list is almost endless. Fantasies involving an in-law, or other family member, suggest hidden depths which the owner may not be aware of, despite indulging the fantasy repeatedly.

The power dynamic requires balance, and for every person fantasising a submissive scenario, there is another who imagines themselves to be the person wielding that power. This comes as a disturbing realisation to most. While the submissive role can be seen as 'being forced upon the helpless victim', the authoritarian role is deliberate, aggressive, invasive, molesting, and cowardly. Some never come to terms with where their subconscious mind takes them, and the fantasy is buried deep within them as being disgusting and abhorrent. Here danger lurks, as 'unacceptable' thoughts can lead to an unbalancing of the mind, and potentially, full-blown mental illness.

I completely misunderstood how this fetish might manifest itself in my peers during my formative years. I mistakenly, although understandably, expected my more timid, shy peers to tend towards sexual submissiveness. And consequently I sought for potential playmates in precisely the wrong half of the pond. Many years of experience later, and extended discussions on mailing lists and message boards, I now understand that a sexual submissive is much more likely to hold a position of authority, while the sexually dominant tend to be anything but powerful in daily life. Obviously this is a sweeping generalisation, but it holds true for the majority, in my experience.

What is very apparent, is that those who assume a false identity and publicly proclaim their spanking fetish around the Internet, myself included, are certainly the tip of the iceberg. It is my own personal estimation that for every 'declared spanko', there must be another five or ten who indulge quietly with their partner (with or without the partner's knowledge), or never have the opportunity to indulge at all. I learned long ago not to be surprised when a new woman came onto the scene, having become divorced at 40, and proceeded to unfold her spanking-aware wings to indulge in long-frustrated frolics for the very first time.

So, this is the sort of baggage male and female, submissive and dominant, bring to the table when they attempt to form a partnership that is designed to include spanking and other BDSM elements.

Let me begin by defining what I personally consider to be a spanking relationship.

I know of some people for whom it is all about numbers, they take great delight in being able to point out people and say "I have spanked her", and "ah yes, I spanked her at so-and-so", and so on. It is a bit like collecting notches on a bedpost, but much, much less intimate. These spankings generally occur at 'spanking parties' where groups of like-minded folk get together and often 'play' with a number of different partners, but within a context that is strictly spanking and no specifically sexual contact. I would consider these liaisons to be spanking 'friendships' at best, and sometimes not even that.

To my mind, a spanking relationship is one that extends well beyond the purely physical actions of hand against bottom. It may or may not be full-time, or even exclusive, but it certainly will continue for an extended period of time. The two parties come to know each other well, and share intimate secrets, likes, and dislikes. Given that erotic spanking is a sexually charged activity, it is more likely than not that the partners will engage in some form of sexual activity as a part of their 'play'.

And hence my first response to the question posed. Just as in any other sexual relationship, full-time or otherwise, the partners know and understand each other, and make sacrifices in order to fulfil the needs of the other. And hence my first response to the question posed. Just as in any other sexual relationship, full-time or otherwise, the partners know and understand each other, and make sacrifices in order to fulfil the needs of the other. They enjoy each other's company - even if they would not opt to undertake a full-time commitment with them - and aim to continue the relationship for as long as the arrangement suits them both.

Where a spanking (or other form of BDSM) relationship differs from any other that I have ever experienced, is in the level of trust between the partners. In the purely physical sense, the submissive partner places themself (or allows themself to be placed) in physically disadvantageous positions where, at the extreme, they may be bound or cuffed and entirely at the mercy of the dominant partner. But much more than the purely physical, a well-matched pair will be able to explore a whole new mind-space together, where the partners temporarily 'become' the person whose role they are playing. Known as 'powerplay', this absorbtion into the role is extraordinarily powerful stuff, to a degree that anyone who has not experienced it for themselves will be unequipped to comprehend.

The degree of trust required before allowing oneself to become totally immersed in a role is absolute. No 'if', 'but' or 'maybe', just complete trust that the other party will not abuse or harm, in an undesired way. Any responsible pairing will have a pre-arranged 'safeword' that is used to bring any form of play to a screeching halt, no matter what. But it is entirely possible that a person can become so spaced out during the play that they are completely incapable of accessing or speaking the safeword, should they feel the need. Alternatively, they be so carried along that they encourage further play, when a fully conscious self would normally be calling a halt to proceedings. In these circumstances, the dominant partner has to accept complete responsibility for both parties, and the submissive has to know, for certain, that they can trust the other to take that responsibility.

So, in my opinion, a spanking relationship is quite a long way different, as the level of intimacy and responsibility goes a long way beyond that which is normally experienced.