Answers to Spanking Problems

I have created this page in response to some of the more commonly asked questions in spanking and BDSM relationships. The questions were asked and replied via email, and published here with permission of the questioners. I stress that any of the advice given is NOT intended to be the definitive answer, merely some hints and/or suggestions which may be of use.

You are all welcome to send in your own personal questions, and equally, to send suggestions for how you have solved any of the problems shown. We hope that this information will be of use to some of you, and welcome any feedback from your personal experiences. Anything you send to us will be treated in the strictest confidence, or published anonymously, or attributed to the contributor, depending on your wishes.

The first two questions MUST have been asked all over the net more often than any other...

How do I let my man know I want to be spanked, feel submissive, dominated (only in the bedroom) in a way that won't turn him off, yet stimulate him into enjoying it too?

This is a bit of a change from the usual guy question of "how do I tell my girl I want to spank her without her thinking I am weird?", but one I have heard asked quite a few times. Of course, you will appreciate that there is no one right answer to this, but I do think I owe you as much assistance as I can give.

So much depends on you two as individuals, how intimately you relate to each other, how open-minded he is, and so on. Only you can be the judge of that. One thing I will say is this - if you have that need to be spanked in an erotic context, you really do need to get your wish out in the open, otherwise it will eat you up eventually.

I think that probably the easiest way is to "come across" a film, book, magazine, or anything which hints at dom/sub, or spanking. You can then kick off a conversation around it, and see how the land lies. A quiet "actually I wouldn't mind trying that with you" (stress "with you"), should press any dominant buttons which he has hidden away. I saw that Ali McBeal recently had a spanking related story-line, did you see it? It all went horribly wrong through misunderstanding, so you might like to comment on how it should have been approached. Perhaps you could leave something from the Internet lying around? Or leave your computer on at a spanking site? A few little hints before you hit him with the fact may help to soften the blow.

Does he ever pat your bum in passing, like so many guys do? Try wiggling it appreciatively, or say "ooooh, have I been a naughty girl?" Or even a loudish, but appreciative sigh......

Many non-spanking guys are very afraid of hurting a girl, they see it as "hitting", which of course is very far from the truth. It is very important that even the tiniest smack must be met with very positive feedback from you. That pat or smack could be a first tentative toe in the water, and unless he is very sure of his ground, he may never try again.

One other method. When the mood is right, snuggley, huggly, watching TV on the couch, maybe a drop of wine, molest him a bit, get him feeling sexy, and then wriggle yourself across his lap, wiggle your bum in his face sexily. That may be enough. Or maybe a sexy "come on big boy, spank me". Or perhaps you could ease your pants down slowly?

Most guys I know are of the "try anything once" attitude. Some will refuse point-blank (but if you have got this far don't just drop it, find out why. There could be a history of abuse lurking that is scaring him off). A few will think you are completely mad and want nothing more to do with you, a very few. The unfortunate thing is that while most guys will give it a go, many are not "into" it, and consequently will never be able to empathise enough to deliver a really good sexy spanking.

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How do you suggest to your vanilla lady that you want to spank her, without disaster falling on your head?

Kazetnik's Guide to Getting Spanky

There are, of course, no guarantees that the suggestion or request will work, but here is some advice that might help smooth the way. This advice is directed at those who seek to spank rather than be spanked, and for those who seek to spank a woman. I am not sure how much would apply to a woman or man wanting to spank a man. Everything I say here assumes that you genuinely care about your partner and aren't looking to cynically manipulate her. But a lot of this could be called manipulative -- but then if straightforward honesty were an option, you'd have done it already, wouldn't you?

There are four likely responses to trying to introduce spanking into an otherwise vanilla relationship:

1. She will react as if you are (a) disgusting, (b) violent, or (c) disgusting and violent.

2. She will accept that you have a fetish which doesn't make you a sick person, but which she has no interest in.

3. She will feel as if everything you have done and said sexually before was a lie and feel deeply rejected and deceived.

4. She says "Yippee" and hurls herself over your knees, crying "Spank me now!"

Number 4 is possible, in which case you've both been hiding your fantasies and need to have some proper conversations about secret desires, though probably not until she's been spanked this time - with caution. Since her idea of being spanked may not be yours. And you'll need to talk to her lots while spanking her. Or before spanking. Or better still, both.

Number 2 may leave you with nowhere to go, but if that is her response it is possible she may be prepared to indulge your fetish in the spirit of affection, since it suggests she is open-minded and that the two of you have good communication about fantasies and desires.

But how do you avoid being on the receiving end of 1 or 3?

The biggest DON'T of all is just to start spanking her in the middle of erotic intimacy or the washing up. Because, after all, what you want is to find yourself with a willing and wanting spanking partner who has consented to being spanked, even if she isn't sure it's really going to be sexy. And starting in with no warning (ala Ali McBeal) will feel like violence to her, and then you'll surely have blown all your chances of getting what it is you really want.

These are the DOs.

You will need:

Patience. However desperate you may be to spank her, nothing is going to happen in a hurry. No abrupt request in a relationship which is low on experimentation and communication is going to work unless she's already got a secret yen, in which case, see 4. This will be a slow and gentle process.

Very good communication. If you don't have it, you'll need to work on it. If the two of you have never discussed sexual feelings and fantasies before, you need to start. Post-coitally is a good time to start, when you're close and intimate. Don't start in on confessing the spanking immediately of course. Encourage her to talk as much as you do. You will make her feel you are interested in her pleasure (which of course you should be) as well as starting to share your own individual little quirks. Don't be shy.

A thorough commitment to making her feel good about herself and the relationship. Do everything you can not to make her feel inadequate and insecure, and everything you can to make her feel safe, cared for and desired. And in doing so you will lay the ground for introducing spanking into your relationship.

And now some suggested tactics to open up the possibility of spanking her:

1. Start (if you don't already!) paying some serious sensuous attention to the part of her you want to spank. Don't ignore the rest of her, but pay that rump verbal compliments, buy it tasteful and flattering underwear...

(Note One: if you have a yen for school knickers try and restrain yourself for now)

(Note Two: many women do not wish to be thought of as tarts -- buy with care)

... casually and deliberately touch her there as much as possible (within reason), mingling little pats with long slow caresses.

This has two aims:

a) demonstrating to her you find that part of her really sexy;

b) encouraging her to experience that part of her as sensual and erotic.

2. While engaged in intimate communication about your childhoods, ask her if she was ever spanked as a child. If she was, DO NOT become a bull in a china shop and demand every little detail with evident lascivious enjoyment. Demonstrate interest and encourage her to talk about it. If she hated it, DO NOT suggest she might like a nicer experience now or that she wasn't spanked properly. Find out why she hated it. This will either tell you that there is no point in continuing your quest, or what to avoid if you get any further. If she liked it, in any way, and you may have trouble getting her to confess this, then you have a ready-made opening to introducing it into her present. If she wasn't, explore with her how she thinks about people being spanked. If you were spanked as a child you can compare notes as a preamble to your wondering aloud what it would be like to spank as opposed to being spanked. All of this is a twin process of information gathering and of putting spanking on the conversational agenda in a non-threatening, non-sexual way.

3. Any TV or film episode of spanking you watch together can be used in the same way. Try not to sit there looking as though you're paying no particular attention for fear of looking guilty, but comment in an intrigued fashion on what you've seen. She may not bite, or she may be dismissive or negative, but, if you play it cool, you'll learn some more about what's going on in her. Reading in bed can also provide an opportunity for conversation. Choose the right kind of book (not erotica or porn) with a spanking scene or two in it. Then you can read it aloud to her and find out what happens next.

4. The day/night will come when you must, if you are to get to spank her, raise the matter directly.

a) Choose your moment. It is best to avoid the aftermath of love-making since it may make her feel inadequate or that she hasn't satisfied you. Do not start the conversation when one of you is busy doing something else, or just about to go out, or worried about something else, or when bedtime is imminent. On the sofa alone together at the end of the day when you are cuddling but not actively sexual might be best.

b) Choose your story. Strategically it is probably better not to confess to a lifetime obsession with spanking (however true that may be) or to a generalised urge to spank female bottoms (however true that may be). Instead make it personal. It is her you have a desire to spank (which is true) and that it has been a growing desire in the time you've known her (true although a little selectively true).

c) Choose your opening gambit. This really depends on what kind of person you are. And which brand of psychological persuasion you feel comfortable engaging with.

The Direct Comedian

You could look her straight in the eyes, grin broadly and say I really want to spank your bottom. This makes it naughty and nice. And not a demand but an assertion of a desire of yours which leaves her with control. It also, if she reacts with horror, leaves you room to say I was joking! and withdraw with regret but some safety.

The Sincere Confessor

You have something you want to say to her because she deserves to know how you feel. (She will be thinking Oh no, what am I about to hear? Is he having an affair?) You don't know how she's going to feel about this, but after all the chats you've had about spanking, you have this weird urge to try giving her a spanking and want to ask her how she's feels about this.

The Anxious Deviant

A variation on the above on how you don't understand why but you keep fantasising about spanking her. Be detailed about the fantasy and where you've been having them (DO NOT mention the ones during sex), making her desirability and agreement in the fantasy absolutely clear, and that while you find the idea a huge turn-on, you're worried she might think you're horrible. Let her reassure you that you're not sick or bad and hopefully offer to find out what's really happening with your fantasy.

The Experimental Romantic

Praise her for her wonderful qualities of understanding and caring and tell her how special, loved and sexy she makes you feel. Tell her you feel you can tell her anything and that she won't misunderstand you. If she doesn't at this point say, "Is there something you want to tell me?" you say, "For example, I have this fantasy you might think is really daft or even unhealthy". Continue as above.

Some DOs and DON'Ts (or How to Handle a Woman)

DO make her an equal party in the discussion. Don't just tell her what you want, make it completely clear that you really care about she wants, and that you want to hear it.

DO NOT DEMAND and don't make her feel bad if she's not sure about how she feels.

DO BE VERY CLEAR that this is a kink of yours that does not change how much you desire her anyway.

DO NOT present this as a guaranteed way to improve your sex life (however true that is). She'll feel ugly and un-sexy.

DO NOT expect instant gratification even if she responds fairly favourably. Let the idea sink in and don't raise it again for a couple of days (hopefully she'll raise it for you).

DO GO SLOW. If she consents to be spanked, begin with the gentlest spanking it's possible to give. Talk, negotiate, share experiences.

DO ALLOW HER to set the pace, frequency and implement.

DO NOT box off her own freely chosen desires, you might be surprised at what her imagination will throw up.

DO BE PLAYFUL. Make it fun, sexy, giggly, light-hearted. The way may open for more intense D/s play (if that's your thing) but it isn't going to happen overnight.

DO BE VERY AFFECTIONATE afterwards and very attentive to her erotic needs.

No guarantees that this will work, sadly, but I wish you well. If nothing else you'll learn more about her and maybe have a better sex life. And at best you'll get to spank her often and thoroughly. Good luck.

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How can I test to see if my girl might like to be spanked?

"Bottoms-up" replies:

As a female, I would like to answer this one from personal experience.

I'd dated someone and it finally lead to my having sex with him for the first time. It takes me a while longer than some to orgasm and he must have been ready because he rolled, positioning me on top, and slapped my ass hard ordering me to come. I was taken a little aback at the time, but after that I fantasized about spanking every so often.

Unfortunately after that one time I found out he was married and never had sex with him again. I finally experimented with a vanilla partner and he became obsessed with spanking -- but he was terrible at it.

But even that did not stem my enthusiasm. Once the sexual connection is awakened it doesn't go away. My point being that a male with a spanking fetish can try a slap or two on his partners bottom. Whether she responds favourably or not, try again. If she again responds favourably, time to bring it up face to face.

If she doesn't, but no negative response like "What the hell do you think you're doing!", then be more subtle. I think it is within many females, but they are afraid to face it, or admit it, until a sensitive partner brings it forth.

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Can you suggest how I can get him to forget the cane?

I have held fantasies about discipline etc. for many years. A couple of months ago now I placed an ad, I have truly met the man of my dreams... we get on well in every sense, and I have never been happier. He fully appreciates my novice status, and is very kind and understanding as well as strict and firm when needed. But there is one huge problem... he is a firm believer in the cane for punishment. He has a very thin flexible cane which he has shown me and I am just terrified of it. He has said, play and fun spankings are fine, but for real discipline its up to him how and when to punish, and has made it clear the cane would play a part. Now I realise there is the option of saying "no way" and walking away from this but I really don't want to walk away from what I've dreamed of since childhood. He has said he doesn't cane "hard" but can you really cane softly? I've read your writings on caning, but I am so frightened of the cane.

OK, there are two big issues in your email. One is the cane, which is actually quite easy to deal with, but the more concerning issue is your man's attitude and that is where things are tougher to comment on without knowing either of you well.

First, the cane. There is something unequivocal about the cane. Hand or belt are adapted to the purpose of punishment, can shift back and forth between the ordinary and the chastisory (which is another pleasure in itself), but the cane has only one purpose. A kind of icon when just lying there or hanging up, it takes on a mesmeric power when it's actually in your hand. A symbol of authority.

The very fact that you are frightened of the cane is significant. You are meant to be! If your were not, the cane would be just another playtoy. The fetching of the cane, wielding it in front of you, informing you of your punishment and the number of strokes, issuing special instructions like not standing up until told, the exact positioning of you, etc etc. The cane is all about messing with your head in a deeply submissive way. Its application, and the pain it brings, is secondary to what it is capable of inside your head.

Now we come on to the notion of you being expected to receive genuine 'punishment'. Are you prepared to hand over this much control? As you are a novice I would be extremely surprised if you were, this is very advanced stuff. For sure, it is the "ultimate" for many hardened spankers, but to expect that much of you at this stage is a tad premature, in my opinion. Yes, anything more than a "tap" with a cane begins to sting, and beyond that, severity can be increased in stages right up to a full-blooded swishing. I am sure that, in time, curiosity will lead you to bare and bend your bottom in order to accept the cane. But unless your mind is ready, you will fight the pain, and hate the experience. When you are truly ready, you will still feel the pain, but you are ready to accept - even welcome it into your head-space. Trust me, it is a truly powerful and wonderful instrument, both to administer and receive, but not until the time is right.

I am sure that, although a little disappointed, your man will be very happy to have met you at all, and certainly should be content to be able to play with you within whichever boundaries you set. And you have every right to set your own boundaries. It is crucial that your man respects them, and considers them absolute. If he is halfway decent, he will accept your wishes, and will not pressure you. So, for you, revel in the realisation of your fantasies. Compare them to your actual experiences, and work at bringing them all to reality. Slow and steady though. Enjoy it.

And for him, put that cane away, and leave it out of sight and unspoken. If he respects you, he will, and if not... then he is a fool. How can you persuade him to forget it? You shouldn't have to. You may be submissive by nature, but that does not equate to "doormat". Be prepared to state your personal limits, and stand by them. Be careful that you don't use this as an "easy" option though, punishment is meant to be uncomfortable, young lady! But if you have something that you "really" don't want to do, you have every right to say so. If it involves "walking away", then so be it, you should NEVER get involved with anything that you are against.

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Any suggestions for implements that can really make a girl howl but don't leave marks?

The birch is very sexy - my favourite fantasy - but leaves me too marked up. I find the bruises from a good caning are gone in two weeks but the 'comet shower' on my hips from even a moderate birching takes months to fade.

I would suggest a 'flogger'. Now these things are many and varied. Basically we are talking about a short handle, to which is attached a number of thongs. The thickness, length, and material of the thongs are what provides the variety in sting and thud. Like a birch, fewer thongs (or twigs) results in an implement which stings (and possibly cuts) like a demon. Increasing the number of thongs increases the quantity of simultaneous impacts, and also the combined weight of the strike. I have first-hand experience of one made up from a wooden hand-shovel handle and around a dozen leather shoe laces (doubled up to provide 24 thongs), the laces were basically square in cross-section which meant they often landed 'corner on', resulting in a light but fierce sting. The other implement is a professionally made flogger, medium weight leather thongs about 2 feet in length, this is light enough to be used on all areas of the body, including breasts and vulva (with care), and as the leather is flexible the thongs stay together to impact quite a tight area. It gives a distinct thud on impact, and the sting is easily bearable, however its effect is cumulative with a deep heat gradually building up until it is very intense. I find it quite satisfying to wield as I can vary the strength and direction at will, I can use full strength, and the punishment can last for up to an hour (it could go on longer but I find other desires come to the fore). What is lacking is the intense sting of a single stroke, such as a cane. For that I would suggest a length of round section, rubber insulated electrical cable, the flexible type generally used on commercial equipment. It is used like a belt, with the loop contacting the victim. Now that *really* stings like hell.

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Vocal Sex:

Communication as the Key to Better Sex

Communication with your partner is the key to enjoying better sex. This shouldn't be surprising, yet it is probably the most difficult part about being intimate with a partner. Many remain quietly dissatisfied, going so far as faking sexual satisfaction. You cannot expect your partner to know what feels good without as much as a cue, especially if you have never expressed any sort of dissatisfaction before.

The reluctance to talk comes from fear of rejection or that you will harm the other's feelings. But your partner may want to talk as well, but fears that they will be rejected or hurt you in turn. Even in a good and loving relationship where trust is important, sex is often a sensitive subject to most people. While difficult, creating an open dialogue about sex produces results that both can be happy about, resulting in a better relationship overall. Here are a few tips to keep in mind about talking to your partner.

Try writing down what it is that you want, whether it is in a letter to your partner or a list. You don't have to show it to them if you don't want to, but writing it out and seeing it on paper may clear up what you're thinking. It will force you to clear up any muddled thoughts. Ask yourself how your partner may interpret what you are trying to communicate - look at the points through their eyes. Broach the topic sensitively, and try not to simply communicate a list of complaints. Instead, phrase it as much as you can as suggestions you would like to try.

Decide when is the best moment for the talk, although keep in mind just before or after sex will probably not be the most desirable. Make sure you are alone, and that you have enough time to talk - don't just throw this out there ten minutes before either of you have to go out the door. Give your partner time to respond, or time to process if needed.

While you may still be shy about having a full-on discussion with your partner quite yet, you can give them some help by making indication during sex that you like something that they are doing, be it arching your back or a groan. Another exercise is to guide their hand with yours over it to show them something that you like.

Compromise is another important element of sexual communication, particularly in frequency of sex and particular acts that each partner finds satisfying. Remember that each party wants the other to enjoy themselves, and wants to know what is pleasing.

Don't expect instant results - sex is a process, as is good dialogue. But once dialogue is open, look forward to more frank discussions about what turns your partner on.