How
to write a Personal Ad that gets Results
This advice is primarily aimed at the many guys who are
actively searching for a spanking playmate, but finding it difficult to make
contact. However, most females who dare to advertise end up wading through piles
of inappropriate emails. So the following tips may help many people in writing a
personal ad that actually reaches likely partners...
A female submissive has put together a collection of the
good, and the bad...
So many ads, so few replies. Why is that? Maybe because your
ad is just not speaking about the right things in a way the subbies out there
will feel drawn to.
So here is one sub's account of the kind of ads that
work. And those that definitely do not work! These are all for real,
culled from my days of browsing the Dom-shelves in cyberspace. I've
taken out identifying places and other info.
(If one of the advertisers reads theirs here and objects to
it being included, please write to Mr Saxon who will rectify the situation -
and tell me off too!)
I've given my take on the individual ads, but overall I'd
offer this advice to any Dom advertising:
1. Give enough detail.
Tell her about you and what you really want in your fetish
life and in the relationship.
2. Speak to her.
Write your ad in your own voice, write as if you were
talking to her.
3. Don't give orders.
Time enough for that when you have a relationship, but in
an ad it's way too presumptuous and no subbie takes kindly to someone assuming
they can just tell her to bend over.
4. Get her imagination working.
Show her what being dominated by you would be like.
Describe a scene. Paint a verbal picture of a spanking session. Tell her one of
your fantasies.
5. Remember she is special.
Never, ever give the impression that any old rump
will do (even if it would!) because no woman likes to feel that who she is doesn't
matter and that she could be replaced tomorrow if a nicer one came along.
The Good...
Hi! I am a single guy in my late 30s. I am tall,
slim and good looking and I work in the television business. For the past few
years I have developed an interest in corporal punishment and sub dom
relationships generally, due to meeting a few women who would confide in me that
they had submissive tendencies that needed fulfilling. I found these experiences
very intense and erotic. Often the sub partner was not sub at all in everyday
life, but found the surrender of control very satisfying. I am now looking for
females who would like to indulge their submissive side with me. If you need a
good spanking or leathering, that's fine. Or maybe you want to stand in a corner
with your skirt pulled up and your knickers down, or be tied up in a revealing
position. Perhaps you are a shy girl who longs to be an exhibitionist - to show
yourself in pretty underwear and tease me. Of course you know that if you go too
far ...! So if you are between 18 and mid 30s, and don't resemble the back end
of a bus, then get in touch and tell me your ideas and needs. If you live in
****, so much the better. However, I can travel. I have a good sense of humour
and enjoy a glass or two of wine, so I look forward to opening a bottle as we
discuss our mutual passion. Now is the time to set free those burning, erotic
thoughts that play in your mind and make your bottom tingle after you turn out
the lights.
Imagination is engaged, fantasies are suggested. No orders,
no presumptions. Experience indicated along with an excellent awareness of how a
sub is not a doormat and that she has as much involvement in developing the
relationship as he.
The Appealing...
I am a tall, attractive brown haired, brown eyed
man looking for a long term relationship with a multifaceted, sexually
submissive woman in somewhere in ****. I am 42 but look much younger, if that's
an issue. If you are looking for the kind of man whom you instinctively trust,
the kind of guy who knows what you want because he has listened to you and cares
about who you are, the kind of guy you love giving yourself to completely, I can
be that guy for the right woman. You understand giving yourself physically to
that special partner, you find pleasure in acts of submission, you find pleasure
in spankings. I will fulfil your needs in turn, you gotta give what you want to
get, is my philosophy. In short, if you are a strong, submissive woman looking
for a 50/50 partnership with a sensitive dominant man, please write soon!
A please! How nice :) And the ad sounds as if it has been
written in his own voice, paints a picture of what kind of man he is. A clear
sense of what is sought, but so much left open that he has not excluded the
majority of the subbie population.
The Warm & Humorous...
I am a MWM, 50 years old, living in ****.
I am seeking a woman to put across my lap for a bare bottom spanking. If you
have fantasized about spanking, I am here to please you. I will role play any
way you wish, with or without sex. If you are 'old enough to know better,'
discreet, and can travel to my area, I would love to hear from you and learn
about your interests. We can take as long as you wish getting to know one
another...no pressure. I will reply to all e-mails. A warm bottom is a happy
bottom!
Pleasure takes centre-stage here, but not at the expense of
reducing the sub to a mere rump to be pounded. This is playful, descriptive and
cautious, all fine qualities.
The Honest and Self-Aware...
Hello. I am an experienced dominant man in
****, educated professional, kind, attractive and understanding of your deepest
needs. I am 42, youthful 5'9", solidly built, brown hair and hazel eyes. I
am married and looking for a married woman who is not getting what she needs at
home and wants to explore in a safe discreet way with someone in the same
situation. Your safety and privacy are always first. I enjoy bondage, spanking,
teasing and arousing you. I do not like heavy scenes and dwell more on the
psychological aspects (pre-spanking ritual, gentle scolding, exposure) and less
on the physical aspects, although there will be enough to make it very real. If
you are a woman who knows what she wants, and are sincere and stable, please
write to me. I am very easy to talk to and will not pressure you in any way.
A man who understands his own kinks very well and is
apparently honest enough not to pretend he's anything other than married. The
insistence on safety and lack of pressure bode well for any sub who replied to
this.
The Appealing Invitation...
Fun Afternoons and Evenings
I am excited about meeting a bright, cheerful,
imaginative and nurturing woman to spend great times with three or four times a
month! If the quality of the time you spend with a man counts for more than the
quantity of the time you enjoy together, then I invite you to read this ad. When
you see something you like, I'm sure you'll send me a note back and then we'll
chat. Of course, you're busy enough already so you'd like to know if there's a
good chance we would enjoy meeting each other before going forward. The people
in my life, like me, are busy and when we get together, we make every minute
count. Even shared relaxation and slow languishing activities can be a lot more
satisfying and enjoyable when you are getting the full attention of the person
you're with. I'm 44, an entrepreneur, and looking for an interesting, passionate
woman to share some experiences with. Do you like cafes, movies, conversation
and creativity? The ideal woman I would like to meet is independent-minded,
supportive, very attractive, sensual, adventurous (for example, you enjoy being
submissive over the knees of a dominant man), and interested in spirituality as
well as business. It doesn't matter to me how much or how little formal
education you have. But I hope you consider learning to be a life-long
experience and you are interested in a lot of different topics, as I am. Because
I am an author, a magazine writer and a marketing consultant, I get to learn a
little about a lot of things all the time -- and a lot about a few things on an
ongoing basis! I enjoy that about my work life very much! Before you respond,
would you first sit back, close your eyes, and imagine a pleasant first
meeting... and then tell me about what it's like for you when you connect with
someone new over coffee... and how you would like to feel in order to be
comfortable with a man you might want to get to know a little better? Thanks. I
look forward to hearing from you, my new friend!
Nice psychology demonstrated here, drawing the sub in and
making her feel good about herself. And he genuinely seems to like the
intelligent, competent woman who is a person in her own right. No absurd
requirements, but painting a picture of who he is and what kind of partner and
relationship is going to work for him. Definitely holding out a nice carrot
here.
So there's the good ones. Now for those that are very
unlikely to get any response whatever...
The Bad...
I've been into spanking for a dozen years
and long to hear from any other like minded young females out there. I am not
your average old perv. I truly seek a delicious derriere to make my own. E-me at
once
Sub as derriere? Oh dear. An order too. She must be young
- but how old is he? And why does he want to make her rump his own? There is
also the somewhat troubling assertion that he's isn't 'your average old
perv'. Who's he insulting? Or is he protesting too much? I don't know much
about him from this ad, but what I do know I don't much like.
The Really Bad...
Young ladies in need of correction contact
me at once for the punishment you deserve
Says who? Any old rump will do, apparently, so long as it's
young (whatever that means). And what that punishment might entail is anyone's
guess. Do not order me around before we've even spoken! It just isn't going
to work.
The Desperate...
Hello ... Im **** Straight ... Interested
In OTK Male / Female How We Doing ...?
Er, not all that well, actually. What are you looking for?
Are you looking for a man or a woman? Are you a switch? Where are you? I imagine
being spanked by this man....well, actually I can't. If this is how he seeks
to attract a partner, what is he going to be like in the flesh?
The Hidden Agenda...
Male 34, Although I'm a full time ****
professional, for the last 5 years while working in **** I've been
supplementing my income with a very nice little side-line as a professional male
Dom. Due to a change in circumstances, I've recently relocated to ****, and it
is no longer practical for me to continue on a professional basis. However, I am
keen to establish contact with a few ladies on a casual basis -so I don't
lose my touch. I am genuinely VERY experienced in this area. My clients
requesting everything from a gentle OTK spanking, to full-blown sexual
submission - you desire it - I deliver it! So what ever your shape or age
drop me a line. Whether this would be a first time experience for you (I've
seen a lot of first-timers) or whether you're an experienced sub who doesn't
want to have to 'train' a new dom.
Is this honest or is this commercial? Whichever is the
case, it's pretty insulting. He wants spanking partners to keep his hand in?!
Suggestion: use a pillow and/or a sex doll - they won't mind being used for
target practice. Ugh!
The Despairing...
anyone out there who isn't just in it for
the money with a genuine interest? mid 30s , good-looking guy seeks same in
female into the scene
This one seems to tell a sad story, and one many Doms will
relate to. Too many false hopes, too many disappointments. But true as that may
be, you get my sympathy but not any more than that. I don't know what this man
wants, or who he is as a person. Replying to this would be like writing into a
void.
The Self-Revealing...
I want to spank you hard, my dears
Oh really? Is this an ad or just a fantasy? My conclusion?
A sad man.
The Shopping List...
I am seeking a female who wishes to have
herself bending over for a good spanking. This could be otk, or over a bed or
chair etc. Different positions is a plus but not a requirement. She should
desire a firm man, who can also be loving, caring, loving, and warm. Experience
is not necessary but a desire to share this type of intimacy is required. I
would respect her limits, but also give her what she deserves. A reddened bottom
is a beautiful vision. I would like this woman to be smoke-free, social drinker,
drug-free, between 30-45 yrs, clean and disease-free. She should be a
professional, college degreed and employed. This special lady can be either
single or married. I am an honest WM, 38yrs, 5'7" 155 pounds, in good
shape, and I live in ****.
There's a difference between being clear and open about
your wants and needs, and producing an ad that sounds like a child's letter to
Santa. There are worse examples out there than this, but what happens when a
subbie reads this kind of ad is that, sooner or later, she will find something
she can't match up to. Or doesn't want to. Do these men not realise that, by
being less picky, they might just find someone who exceeds all their
expectations. If you want to go shopping, get a catalogue. Subbies are not for
sale.
The Slightly Sinister (and misspelled)...
I like a few girls, as young as possible,
who like to be spanked while blowing my cock. They might be whipped also and
will be licked to beutiful orgasms. Some pocket money, e.g. for bay-sitting will
be provided
Leaving aside the potential dangers of the spankee
fellating you during, this sets off sirens and red lights in my head. Maybe it
sounds sinister (paedophilic) and weird (ba[b]y-sitting!!) because it's so
unclear. But I'm not going to take a chance by trying to read between the
lines.
The Aggressive...
dominant male seeks sub female. you will
be slim, and you will be genuine as i do not require time wasters, and you will
be in the south west of ****. So if you wish to explore the sheer pleasure that
being a true sub will bring you, contact me now.
Oh will I? Well, you'll never know, will you? And as for
implying that only you can make me a 'true sub' (and whatever do you mean by
that?), personally I find that rather insulting.
The Very Aggressive...
I am a very Dominate SWM looking for a
true submissive female for BDSM, spanking, paddling, strapping, belts,
hairbrushes, otk's, bondage, and much, much more. Looking for email, regular
mail, live (one on one) sessions, and I am looking for a true live-in submissive
female slave. All who apply must include a letter with no less than 1,000 words,
and a very naked and revealing photo (if possible). List your likes and dislikes
as a sub., how you would serve Me, and why I should consider you as My slave.
Age, race, and looks are not important. Email NOW or you will take the PADDLE,
RIGHT NOW.
Now, negotiation between new playmates is a must, but hang
on a moment until we've actually spoken to one another! 'Very Dominant'
(not 'dominate', that's a verb) indeed, but probably only at the level of
fantasy. And the ad seems designed only to generate more material to masturbate
to...
Need I say more?...
if you like sex then call me
No.
And not forgetting the choice of name....
Oh they matter! They reveal much about the person who chose
that name.
Is "Bully" likely to get many replies? Probably
not.
"Bottombuster"? Hmmmm.
The name might be a "real" name, or one that fits you and
keeps you properly anonymous, but choose a wrong 'un and you might just be
putting her off, you know.
One stroppy sub bows out, wishing you luck with your search.
The Internet Personals FAQ
These questions and their answers form a distilled and updated version of a
document produced by Dean Esmay. His advice was aimed specifically at Newsgroup
personals, some of which is not relevant to the personals service provided by
this website. However, I am personally in Dean's debt as his advice proved
extremely helpful during my searches for spanking playmates. I have extracted
the best bits, and added sections from my own experiences. The original version
is available at:
THE STRAIGHT FAQ: by
Dean Esmay
Q: WHERE THE HELL ARE ALL THE WOMEN?!?!?
A: They're here, they're here! You just can't see them!
Seriously, there are nearly as many female members as male. You just don't
hear much from them. Here's what's really going on:
For whatever reason, women tend to be less comfortable posting ads than
responding to them. There are many theories as to why this is, and you can pick
any or all that appeal to you. Whatever your favourite explanation, the fact
still remains that for the most part, men post, and women respond.
But make no mistake: despite all this, there are still an awful lot of women
out there. No question about it.
Q: OKAY, BUT I'M A WOMAN, AND I WANT TO POST AN AD ANYWAY!
A: Please do! Posting an ad can be a really good idea for a woman. You'll
probably get lots of responses. But there is a pitfall here: because there are
so many more men, and men are more used to approaching women than vice-versa,
you may be deluged with responses.
But rest assured, no matter who you are, what your age, what you look like,
or what you do, if you are female and you post an ad, you almost certainly WILL
GET RESPONSES. Your only problem will be getting responses that you actually
want.
Q: DOES ANYONE EVER MEET ANYONE FROM HERE? IS THIS FOR REAL OR WHAT?
A: I have met a number of female submissives as a direct result of my ads.
So yes, it really does happen, and it's not that tough. I'm not rich, I'm not
a bodybuilder, and I don't have Mel Gibson's looks, yet I've met some terrific
women this way. And I know I'm not alone, because I've heard success stories
from all sorts of other folks. Yes, it DOES HAPPEN, and much of this FAQ is
devoted to helping you figure out how to make it happen FOR YOU.
Q: ARE ALL THE WOMEN WHO USE ONLINE PERSONALS DESPERATE, UNATTRACTIVE,
PSYCHOTIC, OR NERDS?
A: From personal experience, I can give you a definite "no" to this one.
There are many reasons for a woman to use online personals. It may be that
she can't meet guys any other way. But it may also be that she's really gorgeous
and wants a chance to meet a guy who'll get to know her BEFORE finding out what
she looks like. It may be that she's just shy. It may be that she has a busy
career and has no other good way of meeting people. It may be that she's got
kids and doesn't have much chance to get out. It may be that she is highly
intelligent and has a hard time finding intelligent men in her everyday life. It
may be that she's stuck in the middle of nowhere with few men around. Maybe
she's just trying this for the fun of it. Or maybe she just likes computers.
There are many good reasons to use personals ads. There's nothing at all
weird about a woman doing something like this.
Q: ARE ALL THE MEN WHO USE ONLINE PERSONALS DESPERATE, UNATTRACTIVE,
PSYCHOTIC, OR NERDS?
A: From personal experience I can't say too much, since I'm the only guy I
know who has done this regularly. I don't THINK I am any of the above though.
For example, how many "nerds" or "losers" do you know who practice karate,
skydive, ride horses, and own their own businesses?
As for "desperate," well there have been times when I've been desperate for
company, but I've had a number of lovers in my lifetime. I've even turned down
women who wanted to be with me. I'm a little shy but I've usually done okay.
There are many reasons for a guy to use personal ads. It may be that he can't
meet girls any other way. But it may also be that he's really gorgeous and wants
a chance to meet a woman who'll get to know him BEFORE finding out what he looks
like. It may be that he's shy. It may be that he has a busy career and has no
other good way of meeting people. It may be that he's got kids and doesn't have
much chance to get out. It may be that he has a hard time finding intelligent
women in his everyday life. Or it may be that he's just trying something like
this just for the hell of it, to see what happens.
Basically, there are many good reasons to use personals ads. There's nothing
at all weird about a man using something like this. It's just one more way of
meeting people, and a pretty good one if you do things right!
Q: OKAY, YOU SAY THERE ARE LOTS MORE MEN THAN WOMEN. THAT'S GREAT IF YOU'RE A
WOMAN, BUT WHAT IF YOU'RE A MAN? ARE YOU SCREWED OR WHAT?
A: Absolutely not. You DO have a challenge here, but it's not hard to
overcome if you're intelligent and put a little effort into it. More on that
later.
Q: WHAT DO ALL THESE DAMNED ABBREVIATIONS LIKE "ISO" AND "SWM" AND "G*M" and
"SWCF" MEAN?
A: Not everyone uses these abbreviations, but, they are a common shorthand
for indicating marital status, race, sex, religion, and a few other common
things. However, in my opinion it is better to write in long hand, after all, if
some of the abbreviations baffle you, they will probably confuse your readers
too!
Q: HOW DO I WRITE MY OWN AD?
Ah, there's a whole lot to be said here, and the advice can vary a lot. I'll
concentrate on general advice for the moment, and on what I personally think:
There is NOTHING more frustrating for the personals user than to spend ten
minutes reading an ad that sounds very interesting, only to find out near the
end that the person wants someone of a different age, or body type, or that the
person lives much too far away to think about a relationship with.
So, do yourself and everyone else a favour and START EVERY AD WITH THE BASICS
ABOUT YOURSELF. The basics include:
A) Your SEX B) Your AGE C) WHERE you LIVE D) Your RACE, if it matters that
much too you E) What you are
BASICALLY LOOKING FOR
And a good place to put all this is in your Subject line. It can save time for
everyone.
Some people are big fans of cute and creative subject line. For example:
MUTANT SEEKS MUTANT. LET'S TAKE OVER THE UNIVERSE!
Now this is pretty funny, and pretty clever. Unfortunately, if this happens
to be from a Gay White Male, aged 42, who only wanted gay black men in their 40s
in Leicester, I'm going to waste a lot of time reading this ad, because I'm not
gay, I'm not black, I'm under 40, and I don't live anywhere near Leicester! Why not
make it easy on me and start with:
Leicester dom male, 42, seeking sub female, 40-50, for spankings
Then make the first line of your ad say: "I'm a mutant looking for another
mutant, so we can take over the universe!"
By making sure your subject line contains your basic information, you will
not only be doing everyone who would NOT be interested in you a favour, but you
will increase the likelihood of someone who DOES want to meet you of actually
spotting your ad.
All right, you've given a nice, concise, descriptive title to your message.
Now you need to put some thought into the ad itself. The general advice I can
give there is:
A) DON'T RUSH. You have plenty of time to write this. Make it good.
B) PUT SOME EFFORT INTO SPELLING & PUNCTUATION, and try not to ramble. You
want to make a good impression.
C) BE CLEAR ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT AND WHAT YOU DON'T WANT. If you're picky
about something, it's better to say so in your ad than to let someone down
later. "Please, if you're overweight, don't respond" may seem cruel or
thoughtless, but if that's the way it is for you, SAY SO. It is much, much
kinder than developing a relationship with someone who you have to shoot down
later than just telling it like it is up front.
What's better, disappointing someone BEFORE they waste their time getting to
know you, or after they've gotten their hopes up?
D) BE AS HONEST AS POSSIBLE. Lies will only get you in trouble later.
E) DO YOUR BEST TO BE TOTALLY SINCERE. Insincerity frequently shows, even if
you're not aware of it. True sincerity usually shines through and is much more
attractive to most people.
F) BE HONEST ABOUT YOUR OWN SHORTCOMINGS. Don't harp on them, but man, avoid
discomfort for yourself and others and just let 'em know up front who and what
you are and are not. Saying you don't want long-term commitment, or that you're
overweight, or that you have kids, or that you have bad skin, or that you have
no fashion sense, or that you WANT marriage and kids, will be lots better than
getting close to someone who finds out later and wishes they hadn't bothered
with you.
G) TAKE AS MUCH SPACE AS YOU NEED.
There are no space limitations on the Message Board, so begin with the things
that are most important to you, and then if a reader is interested in you they
can continue to read as much as you care to write.
Avoid rambling, but
remember, space is cheap, and the one way in which online personals are usually
much better than newspapers is that YOU CAN TAKE AS MUCH SPACE AS YOU NEED.
There is no better way to give an impression of who you are and what you're
like than by taking your time and trying to write something that really tells
who you are, what you want out of life, and what you're looking for. Your
writing style will tell people a lot about you, too.
I have had dozens of responses and a good number of positive face-to-face
meetings, and I always take a lot of space to describe both myself and what I'm
looking for. I've also found that long ads are a good way to sift out a lot of
people.
On the other hand (he-he-he!) you want to try not to be too long either. If you
ramble too much, or make a huge shopping list of everything you want and don't
want, you're going to bore people. It's a fine line to tread; if your ad is too
short, it doesn't say enough and you're ignored; if it's too long, you bore
people and are ignored. So, you have to do your best to avoid both extremes.
If you want a general rule of thumb, write at least a dozen lines.
But if you want the REAL rule, it's this: write just exactly as much as you
think you need to say everything you need to say, but not one word more than you
need.
Q: OKAY, SUNSHINE, THAT'S ALL WELL AND GOOD. BUT HOW ABOUT SPECIFIC TIPS FOR
MEN?
A: Glad you asked!
Okay men, we have a problem. We outnumber the women, and most of the ones out
there don't like to post. So we have to overcome those odds. How?
More than anything else, you need to write and post your own ad.
Mind you, there's nothing WRONG with responding to a woman's ad, it can work.
But if you answer a woman's ad, remember that responses which offer no
information do not prompt anyone to write back. If a woman gets a response that
says nothing but, "Hi I'm interested write me" she will most likely toss it out.
Also, keep in mind that women who post ads are routinely inundated with
responses.
So, if you're going to answer someone's ad, go to the trouble to make yourself
sound interesting enough to respond to. Even then, remember that she's probably
had lots of responses, and you aren't the only one trying to get her attention.
While I don't say you shouldn't answer a woman's ad, you need to remember all
of the above, and realize that the odds are probably against you. What you also
need to keep in mind is this:
The most wonderful woman in the world may be out there scanning for ads
looking for someone just like you, but because YOU never advertised, SHE will
never find you. Most women don't post ads, and she may be one of them, so you
need to put up an ad if you want her to find you!
When you DO post an ad, try to keep the following in mind:
1) Follow all the advice I have given above. That's all very important.
2) Don't sound desperate. This actually goes for both sexes, but especially
for men. The old rule is very true: the harder you look for a spanking partner, the
harder one will be to find. Be patient, and avoid sounding pathetic, excessively
horny, or desperate. IT WILL NOT HELP.
3) Be patient. One ad may net you no responses at all. If you're extremely
lucky, you may get as many as a dozen responses. More likely, you may get
one or two.
4) Be prepared to post your ad again. Do NOT expect one ad to get you lots of
responses. Instead, prepare yourself for a bit of a wait. Post your ad once, and
see what happens. Wait a couple of weeks, remember that it remains on the
Message Board for a long time. You may want to
"tweak" or fine tune it, you have the ability to edit your own ad
(look out for the Edit icon below your post).
The readership of the Message Board
changes on a regular basis since new visitors are finding the website all the
time. An enormous number of women read personal ads, but
some only do it once in a while. Even those who read regularly might not notice
an ad when it first appears. Some may be interested in your ad but not
be able to work up the courage at first -- but if they see your ad enough times,
maybe eventually they will work up the courage and respond.
The thing to remember is that the audience is NOT static. There is a constant
influx of new women, and there's a constant outflow, too. And a woman may need
to see your ad more than once before she responds. So remember, you may not find
anyone at first, but if you're patient and you keep at it, chances are good
you'll eventually get some nibbles.
5) Don't post your ad too often.
If people see ad after ad from you, you may look desperate or stupid. At the
very least, you'll be annoying people.
TO SUM IT ALL UP: write a good, creative, intelligent, and thoughtful ad
that's specific about what you do and don't want. Take all the space you need to
get it right, but no more; remember that too long is as bad as too short. Tweak it now and then, and try various
experiments to see what works and doesn't. Be patient and the ladies will be
along sooner or later to talk to you.
Q. SHE WROTE ME SHE WROTE ME SHE WROTE ME!! OMIGOD WHAT DO I DO?
A. Simmer down. All the lady did was decide your ad was interesting and send
you some e-mail. She's not ready to throw her knickers off and plunge across
your knee.
She's just given you a nibble. It's up to you to make it work from here. And
remember, if this doesn't work out, there WILL be others, if you have a good ad
and are just patient!
Here are some important things to keep in mind:
Don't question it: She IS interested in you, or she wouldn't have answered
your ad. So, get over your insecurities. She's a woman looking for a man to
spank her, and
you sound interesting to her. Now you just have to see whether you're interested
in her, and whether there's enough of what she wants in you to sustain her
interest.
But here's the important thing: BE PATIENT. Yeah, once you get a response,
you have to be patient AGAIN.
DON'T push to get her phone number. DON'T push for a face-to-face meeting.
DON'T whine to her about your personal problems with women. DON'T talk about sex
or anything of that nature.
Instead, be friendly, and be polite. Ask her about herself, and tell a bit
more about yourself. Ask her questions. Encourage her to ask you about anything
she might be curious about. Find out about her without being nosy -- don't ask
for her address, or where she works (but asking what town or area she lives in is
probably okay).
DON'T pester her with lots of e-mail. Let her explore who you are at her own
pace. If she takes a couple of days to respond to one of your letters, sit on
your fingers and WAIT. If it's been more than three or four days, you might try
ONE letter to the effect of "hey, where'd you go?" but that's IT. If you don't
hear anything more, either she doesn't want to talk to you, or she's not reading
her e-mail anymore, or she's just busy.
Keep this in mind: it's scary for a woman to go away for a few days and to
come back and find a dozen plaintive, "Oh, where oh where did you go?" letters.
It just makes you look desperate and weird.
All in all, the most important thing to remember in this situation is that it
is EASY TO SCARE A WOMAN AWAY. If she thinks you're a weirdo, or a psychotic, or
a pathetic, lonely loser, she's going to walk away. (And by the way, if you ARE
a pathetic, lonely loser, STOP IT. Find something else to do with your time and
realize that the only way you're going to get a woman is if you stop assuming
you'll never get one.)
Now, besides all this, you need to remember something even more important:
you BOTH need time for a relationship to develop, so you actually have something
to talk about when finally you do meet. Rushing to meet someone and suddenly
finding you have nothing to talk about can be very uncomfortable.
If you are an impatient man, you might as well not bother advertising. You'll
get nowhere.
Q: I POSTED MY AD WEEKS AGO AND NEVER GOT MUCH RESPONSE. WHAT
GIVES?
A: There are several things to look at. First off, your ad may not be very
good. Consider re-writing it. Ask friends, or others on the message board, if they
have any criticisms or can help you improve it.
On the other hand, if you live somewhere that isn't in or near a large
population centre, you may have real trouble. If you live somewhere without a lot of
people, then you're going to have trouble anyway. Just be patient and do your
best.
Q: ANYTHING I SHOULD LOOK OUT FOR?
A: As with anybody, male or female, you do have to be cautious. Answering an
ad might get you a psychotic, or someone who's dishonest with you.
The single biggest hazard is probably those strange creatures out there who
post messages pretending to be what they aren't. There are people (women AND
men!) who post messages pretending to be gorgeous, provocative women when
they're nothing of the sort. Much rarer, but still existing, are those who
pretend to be attractive men.
It's also possible you'll wind up corresponding with someone criminal or
dangerous somehow. Don't be paranoid, but do be cautious!
All in all, if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is. Don't
get your heart crushed by a liar; use caution, and don't buy too much of
anything until you actually meet the person face-to-face, or at least a phone
call. Watch for the warning signs of someone yanking your chain, or wrapped up
in their own fantasies and not really paying attention to who you are. Don't
fall in love or get your heart ripped out by someone who may just be a
fantasy-woman (or man). Don't be paranoid, but make sure you don't expect too
much until you actually meet the other person face-to-face.
The Board's moderators are always ready to warn or ban members who are less
than honest, abusive, harassing or obnoxious. A personal message, or an email
detailing the problem is all it takes.
Q: OKAY, STUD-BOY. ALL THAT'S CUTE, BUT I'M A WOMAN. WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO
TELL ME?
A: Well, not being a woman, I can't say near as much, but here are a few
things you should know:
First off, MOST of the advice above that I give to men applies to you as
well. In addition to that, remember that there are a ton of men out there, and
men are used to pursuing women. This means that if you post an ad, it will be
very easy for you to get a lot of responses.
One very important thing: BE VERY SPECIFIC ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT AND DON'T
WANT. This is even more important for a woman than a man, because some guys out
there will answer damn near anything, and there are A WHOLE LOT of guys online.
If you post just say you're a woman who'd like to meet a man... well, Honey,
you are going to be BURIED with e-mail, and from around the world, too. Be
specific! Be very specific! And furthermore, a lot of guys are dumb or
desperate, so you have to hit them over the head with a two-by-four and be more
specific!
Example:
"I'd like a man who lives near Aldershot who is near my own age and would
eventually like to cane me."
This is pretty good; at least you made it clear. But for some, that won't be
good enough, so I'd suggest that you go ahead and write that, then at the end of
your ad, drive the point home even more clearly:
"DON'T write me if you don't live near Aldershot, DON'T write me if you're more
than a couple years older or younger, DON'T write me if you're not serious about
the cane, and DON'T write me if you're just looking for sex."
It may seem crass and crude, and it won't always work, but it should at least
help you cut down on unwanted e-mail (you'll still get some, but you should get
less this way).
You ladies are in the very lucky position of knowing that if you post, you
are almost certainly going to get responses. But that's a two-edged sword,
because if you're not careful, you will get buried in far more responses than
you can reasonably handle. You may even miss out on the man of your dreams
because he's buried in a ton of letters from guys you don't give a damn about.
BE VERY SPECIFIC ABOUT WHAT YOU WANT, AND DRIVE THE POINT HOME CLEARLY AND
DISTINCTLY. It saves everyone time and aggravation.
Beyond all that, most of the advice for men counts for you, too. Watch out
for weirdos and criminals, watch out for liars, try not to sound desperate, and
do your best to be honest about yourself -- both your positive AND your negative
traits.
Q: I HAVE A PROBLEM WITH WEIGHT. WHAT DO I DO ABOUT THIS?
A: Men especially need to be aware one thing regarding weight: it is an
unfortunate fact that the majority of women
believe they are overweight. Weight is a very touchy subject for both sexes, but
for women it is especially bad.
For men: don't ever say you want a slim woman unless you're positive you want
a stick woman, and are willing to exclude about 95% of the female population.
The simple fact is that MOST WOMEN BELIEVE THEY ARE OVERWEIGHT. If you want to
avoid obese women, say something like you're looking for someone "Not obese" or
"physically fit" or "weight proportional to height."
For women: The above advice also goes for you, but men are a bit less touchy
on this subject, so you're more likely to be able to get away with demanding
thinness.
For everyone: if you ARE obese, male or female, JUST SAY SO IN YOUR AD. Don't
be afraid of this. You're preparing yourself AND whoever you meet for a letdown
if you're not blunt on this subject. If you're fat, just say, "Hey, I'm queen
sized" or "I'm Robbie Coltrane sized" or, "I'm a rubenesque woman" or
something like that. Or just say "I'm fat." The point is, BE HONEST!
We live in a culture that values thinness, but there are a lot, and I mean A
WHOLE LOT, of people out there who genuinely DO NOT care about weight. There are
even a good number of people out there who LIKE fatness and find it very
attractive.
Don't be timid about it. If you're overweight, be forthright and don't weasel
around the subject, unless you look forward to the prospect of being embarrassed,
disappointed, and hurt. Lots and lots of people will love you if you're fat, and
you're not giving them a chance if you don't TELL them you're fat right up
front.
Say it over and over again: Honesty, honesty, honesty!
Q: WE'VE TRADED MAIL AND TALKED ON THE PHONE AND THINGS ARE GOING REALLY
WELL!! WHAT DO I DO WHEN WE MEET??
A: First off, calm yourself down. I've been through this and talked to others
who've been through it, and the first, most important thing to remember is,
DON'T GO BUILDING UP BIG HOPES AND DREAMS UNTIL YOU MEET!
Until you actually meet someone, it's very easy to build up big fantasies in
your head about how the person looks, stands, walks, etc. You can't help doing
just a little of this, but try not to, and keep in mind that what you do
visualize will probably be very different from reality.
It's also very easy to think you've fallen hard for someone you haven't even
met. Don't do this! Meet first! Don't go thinking that just because you've
exchanged a lot of email and talked on the phone that you've found your dream
love. Most especially don't go throwing your heart in and confessing True Love
until you've actually met.
Many online relationships happen very quickly and very fast, and it's easy to
sucker the other person, OR YOURSELF, into believing you have something there
that you don't. Take your time and realize that when you do meet, it may not be
there for you, or it may not be there for the other person. Or that it might
take time for something more than friendship to develop.
On the other hand, if you meet and things DON'T go well, I also advise not
immediately giving up. Sometimes it takes time to adjust to meeting this person
"in real life" that you've gotten to know so well in email. Remember, that
person you got to know online IS still in there, but may not be visible at
first.
So again, what's the thing to have, everyone? That's it, you've got it:
PATIENCE!
Q: HOW DO WE PLAN A FIRST MEETING?
A: I recommend picking a safe, neutral spot, and just sitting down over
coffee, or perhaps light dinner at a casual restaurant. Emphasize that your
first meeting will be for just that, MEETING. Don't expect much more than that
you'll sit down, get used to what the other person looks like, maybe have a bite
to eat, then go home.
For guys, you may want to invite her to bring along a friend. This will make
her feel safer. The point is, make it somewhere public, safe, and neutral, and
done in such a way that either one of you can bow out gracefully if things
aren't going well.
And if it doesn't work out, or the other person decides at the last minute
not to meet you, hey, that's okay! It happens to practically everyone! And who
on Earth said you're the perfect someone for everyone you meet anyway? Who said
that everyone you meet is the perfect someone for you? At minimum, you should
have made a new friend this way; maybe more will develop, or maybe it won't.
Stay calm, don't expect much, but be open to whatever might happen. And, enjoy
your new friend!
Q: WHAT ABOUT AGE? I MAY BE TOO OLD TO FIND ANYONE.
A: Nonsense! From what I've seen, many of the women searching for their first
spanking are in their 30s, 40s,
50s, and even older. The age range of men seems to be bigger, but there're an
awful lot of men out there who don't mind an older woman, and vice versa. Divorce is also common, so you'll frequently find a man or
woman in middle age or later looking for new love. The people who REALLY seem to
have the most trouble finding anyone are the young twenty-something males
looking for someone in their own age range or younger. That can suck if you're
in that group, but for just about any other group, the pickings are good... and
anyone will find someone if he (or she) is just patient.
Don't sit there feeling sorry for yourself because you're 45 and not face
down across a lap.
Just post. There's someone out there for you. Really! Just remember, again and
again, be honest, be sincere, be specific about what you want, and BE PATIENT!
Q: WHY WOULD ANYONE POST ANONYMOUSLY? ARE THEY WEIRDOS OR WHAT?
A: Some may be weirdos, but for the most part, they're just people who'd
prefer not to be publicly identified at this time. There are several very good
reasons for this:
1) You may be uncomfortable letting someone know your real e-mail address
until you know more about that person, since it may be possible to track you
down this way through Finger, Ph, or whatever.
2) Some people get e-mail addresses from work, and would rather not have
their company name affiliated publicly with their personal ad.
3) Some may just be private people who are shy or don't want their friends to
know they're using internet personals.
Some people seem to think that using an anonymous name server means you want
to hide so you can play tricks on people. I must admit, it does seem that a lot
of the more rude or dishonest people use anonymous e-mail addresses to hide
themselves. But for the most part, there are all kinds of very interesting and
worthwhile people, male and female, who use these services. So my advice here is
that you may want to be a tad more cautious in approaching an anonymous person,
but otherwise, I wouldn't read too much into it.
One tip though: DO NOT give your phone number or address to, or agree to meet
with, anyone who won't provide you with their own name, address, and phone
number. You may want to wait until you've exchanged mail for a while before
asking for this information, but you're going to have to have it eventually if
the relationship is to get past the email stage. It's okay to be patient if the
other person seems shy or wary, but eventually you're going to have to have this
information. Don't involve yourself with anyone who insists on maintaining
secrecy beyond a reasonable point.
Q: HOW MUCH SHOULD I WORRY ABOUT MEETING SOMEONE DANGEROUS THIS WAY?
A: You shouldn't worry all that much about it. Most people aren't really
dangerous, after all.
Still, while I hesitate to put it this way, let's be blunt: we're all going
to be very depressed the first time we hear about someone who gets raped or
killed by some psychopath who posted (or answered) a personal ad on the
internet. And I'd much rather YOU not be that person.
Now, don't let that make you paranoid! Remember, you can meet hurtful,
malicious, or just plain evil people ANYWHERE: in a bar, on the streets, even
through friends. There's no way you can get through life without some risk of
meeting someone who will hurt you. However, in every situation, there are ways
to minimize your risks, and online personals are no exception. Use common sense
in any of your dealings with anyone you meet through the 'net, but probably the
most important thing to remember is this:
Before you meet ANYONE or give your phone number or address to ANYONE, make
sure that person is willing to give you the same information. ESPECIALLY if you
are dealing with someone using an anonymous email address!
Also, be cautious about the information you provide in your Message Board
profile. General information about yourself can be useful, but your real name
and address may not be a good idea.
Q: HOW CAN I ASSURE SOMEONE THAT I'M NOT CRAZY OR DANGEROUS?
A: An unfortunate reality is that women usually have to be more worried about
this than men. A lot of women may be very skittish about meeting a man.
Sometimes, a woman will initially be excited about the romantic nature of an
email relationship, but then will get spooked when the reality hits that she
actually has to MEET this guy.
The tips I have for men are as follows:
1) Don't press her for a meeting. Be patient, trade mail with her a while,
and allow the relationship to develop before you try to meet.
2) Don't press her for her phone number. If she offers it to you, great, but
don't ask her for it. Instead, after you've traded mail for a while, you should
offer her YOUR number. If she doesn't call, or offer you hers in return, that
should tell you something.
3) At some point, whenever it feels appropriate, offer her some references.
#3 is a particularly interesting one, and is an option not many people think
of. What better way of assuring a woman that you're okay than to have her talk
to women who know you? Ask several women you know (at least two I would think)
if they will be willing to serve as personal references for you. In my
experience, most of my female friends are amused but delighted at the
opportunity to tell another woman about me. Most women seem to love to talk to
each other about men.
If your references have email addresses, that's great, but make sure they're
willing to let you give their real addresses and phone numbers, too. That way
she knows this isn't just a fake mail address you're giving out.
Example:
"Hey, if you want to check me out to make sure I'm all right, why don't you
contact my sister Janie and my friend Pauline? I've already talked to them about
you they said they'd be happy to tell you all about me! Here's how to get ahold
of 'em:
Janie Smith Pauline Jones 1313 Mockingbird Lane #12 Morning Glory Circle
Anytown, IL 60101 Anothertown, IL 60202 (312) 555-1212 (708) 555-9342
jsmith@somewhere.com <mailto:jsmith@somewhere.com>
Pauline doesn't have an email address but she says she'll be happy to talk to
you, give her a call!"
You'll be surprised at how many women will be delighted at the prospect of
checking references on you. And the very fact that you're willing to offer up
this kind of reference will tell her you're a gentleman.
My advice for women is much the same. How the heck does he know YOU'RE not a
psychopath? That happens too, you know. So be willing to do any or all of the
above. I do suggest that you get his name, phone # and address before you give
him yours, though.
For both men and women, just remember: use common sense, make sure you know
as much as possible about someone before meeting, and remember, if you're
harassed, threatened, or whatever, CALL THE POLICE.
Chances are very good that nothing worse than a disappointment will ever
happen to you as a result of using personal ads, so don't get paranoid. Just
remember, everything in life carries risk; the healthy way to react to risk is
with common sense and reasonable precautions, not paranoia.
Q: SOME PERSON HAS POSTED SOMETHING REALLY RUDE IN RESPONSE TO ME, OR IS
PICKING ON ME. WHAT DO I DO?
A: The following advice applies to online in general. On the SAXON Message
Board the moderators are always there to deal with any problems you may
experience (none so far!).
There is a certain type of being that's all too common in the online
world. I call them "Energy Creatures," a term I first heard on one of the
commercial services. Energy Creatures are a bizarre lifeform which grow and feed
off of the negative energy generated by others.
Energy Creatures' favourite feeding tactic is to try to hurt people's feelings
or get them angry. Then they can feed off the pain and anger they've generated.
Their second favourite tactic is to hurt one person or group's feelings while
gathering the sympathy of others. That way, when the injured party lashes back,
others will jump to the Energy Creature's defence. Then the Energy Creature need
do nothing except feed off the attention and the negative energy generated by
the people fighting.
We'll never be completely rid of these noxious beings, but we can do a lot to
keep the herds under control by remembering this simple formula: DNFTEC. This
stands for Do Not Feed The Energy Creature. If you encounter such a beast, your
best bet is usually to say absolutely nothing. No matter how hard it is, sitting
on your fingers and posting NOTHING in response is usually the best bet.
Remember, if you fight them, they just get stronger. If you ignore them,
eventually they weaken, wither, and go away. This may be hard to remember, but
in the long run, that's exactly what you need to do. The temptation to fight
back is incredible, but remember, fighting them only makes them stronger.
Believe it.
Remember, your goal here is to meet other people, not feed energy creatures.
Q: I GOT SOME REALLY NASTY, CRUDE, RUDE, OR THREATENING E-MAIL. WHAT DO I DO?
A: DNFTEC! DNFTEC! DNFTEC!
Some pathetic Energy Creatures don't even have the balls to start fights in
public, so they just do it in e-mail. They may say rude, hurtful, or disgusting
things to you just to get your goat. Typical comments might be sexual ("hey baby
spread your legs I wanna fuck you!"), bigoted ("hey faggot why don't you go fuck
yourself!") or simply rude and hateful ("hey you loser what kind of pathetic
loser needs to post a personal ad, what kind of sick pathetic weirdo are you?").
Ignore all of this. It's a load of ignorant crap, and all it's designed to do is
get you upset and make you waste time and energy responding.
Mind you, if you receive legitimate-sounding threats from someone who you
think may actually be able to carry them out, contact your system administrator.
Another good thing to do would be to send a copy of the threat to "postmaster"
at the domain name of the person who sent you the email (so if you get a letter
from "jerkface@someplace.com" <mailto:jerkface@someplace.com>, you send email to
"postmaster@someplace.com") <mailto:postmaster@someplace.com>. Another good
contact would be THE POLICE; threatening people is illegal in many places, and
the police might be able to help. Contact any or all of the above and just say,
"I've received some threatening email, which I can provide you with a copy of.
Please help me figure out what to do." Do this IMMEDIATELY.
Otherwise, simply ignore any rude, crude, or harassing mail you get.
Responding merely feeds the Energy Creature and makes it grow stronger.
Remember this: Both men and women get mail from Energy Creatures. Really. No
piece of e-mail from someone you've never met and who has no chance of ever
meeting you is worth expending even one second of your on. Throw it in the trash
and move on.
Remember, your goal here is to meet new people, not feed energy creatures.
Q: OKAY, I DIDN'T GET ANY THREATENING MAIL, BUT I DID GET SOMETHING JUST
PLAIN WEIRD. WHAT ABOUT THAT?
A: Well there are some very weird people out there, no question about it.
There are people out there who are ready to move in with you based on your ad
and a couple of emails alone, or who just want you to fly across country to suck
their toes. Keep a cool distance from such people, but don't freak out about it.
The world is full of weirdness (and wouldn't it be boring if it weren't?). Just
take it as par for the course and keep looking for the right someone FOR YOU.
Q: ANYTHING ELSE YOU WANT TO TELL ME?
A: Yeah. Once in a while in various personals groups, you'll see discussion
start on certain topics that aren't really personal ads. People might discuss
their dating experiences or argue the finer points of this, that, or the other
thing related to personal ads. This may seem kind of pointless if all you want
to do is answer ads, but in my experience, these discussions might be worth it,
and here's why:
I have heard from a number of people that they met someone special NOT by
answering an ad, but instead, by replying to something someone said in a
discussion. I met my good friend Carla that way, and I have
even heard of at least one couple who got MARRIED after meeting in discussion
groups,
even though neither of them ever actually posted an ad.
I cannot stress strongly enough that meeting other people with our kink is
no different than in normal life. People, especially women, need to get to know
a person well before they will make a commitment - be that to meet for a drink
or to bend over with her panties around her ankles. An advert on its own, no
matter how well written, can only go so far. It is in discussions that we
really get to see what makes other people tick. Join in!
