Taken in Hand
(Or: How to explain you are a closet spanko)
Emma's account of how confessing her spanking needs to her apparently vanilla husband has resulted in a wonderfully fulfilling spanking relationship for both of them, with advice to others who find themselves in the same position.
I am in my very early thirties and had been married in my teens before to an older man who had seemed strong at the time but turned out to be the very opposite. Also, I had never ever shared my kinky secret with him, despite having imagined spankings since the age of ten. I made a vow to myself that if I ever got into a new relationship, I would tell my new man about my need for spankings.
I had been just friends with Matthew for ten years at the time, and many times, watching me being feisty, he'd uttered the comment "If you were mine, I'd take you in hand.." which of course sent that erotic charge through me with the thought "Hmm...he has potential!!".
When we finally spoke to one another about getting into a relationship, we started in the usual vanilla way and after a couple of weeks I knew that I had to tell him. This was going to be doubly hard as we'd been friends for so long, so even having any kind of relationship was feeling kind of weird.
I called him up and told him "There's something you need to know about me..." Yet I just couldn't say it. Couldn't spell it out. Couldn't even hint at it. I just mumbled : "I'm kinky. Think about it and get back to me."
Afterwards, I thought I'd blown it completely. I have a strong, stroppy personality. I'm a black-haired strong-willed executive...I look like I could be an ideal Miss Whiplash! I really hoped he wouldn't get that impression and waited with baited breath.
Finally, he called me back and said he'd been thinking. He said he'd imagined me spanking him and that it "absolutely wouldn't work". He then said he'd thought about it the other way round and that although he had never ever done it in his life, he would be willing to give it a go. I said "Great! That's exactly what I meant!" and at heart I was pleased that I hadn't spelt it out to him so that I knew he'd not said yes just to please me.
Some time later, we were actually in his car when he pulled over and asked me to get into the back. I did. We started kissing and then suddenly he pulled me over his knee and gave me a few light slaps on my fully clothed bottom, following my reaction. I encouraged him. He carried on. He asked me if I needed him to say anything, to call me a naughty little girl, or just to get on with it, and I answered his questions honestly.
It was not anywhere near what I imagined. There was no roleplay and it hardly made itself felt, but it was a start.
I then began to email him at work, to a yahoo account that he could access in private. In these emails, I spelt out to him exactly what I needed him to do, how he needed to set the scene, even the techniques that he needed - like warm-ups! I would describe spanking scenes to him in great detail, so that he had the information at hand, almost like a piece of fiction that he had read. In these emails I could say everything that I couldn't say in person. I always ended them with sex, and he'd read them as erotic emails, but the details were all in the spankings, not the sex particularly.
I also told him about websites such as Saxon Spanking Web, where he could learn that many other adults felt the same way and that it wasn't just me.
The second spanking again took place in the car! At the time, we had nowhere else to go to be alone. Again, he got me to get into the back. This time, he pulled me over his knee and lifted up my dress and started to spank me over my satin knickers. He really had me pinned into him and his left hand was pressed into my back. It was perfect. After a while, he peeled down my pants to reveal my bare bottom. It was the finest feeling in the world. I buried my face into the car seat as he just started to spank harder and harder and longer, exactly as I'd imagined, until my bottom felt like it was on fire. He didn't hold back, he just took my written word for it and gave me what I'd asked for. Eventually, he let me back up and told me we were going into the shop that we were supposed to be going to. He told me that if I was "naughty" again in that shop, he'd spank me again when we came out. I walked around that shop with him with a red hot bottom and a happy heart and at one point he corrected my playful stroppiness with a slap to the bottom and a hushed growl of "behave!". I was delighted with this performance and told him so in no uncertain terms. He got the picture of what worked for me. At all times, I kept him informed, encouraging what I liked, discouraging what I didn't...I had to be very explicit, even asking him not to slip his fingers inside my vagina during play as this totally puts me off - he needs to wait till much later for that!
I found that Matthew flourished in his new role. Soon, ideas just seemed to spring from his own imagination. Very soon, our scenes were not things that I had spelt out for myself, but things that had come from him and that worked amazingly well.
We don't practice domestic discipline. He respects me and sees me as strong and intelligent, and often tells me that he would hate to live with a docile woman who just mindlessly obeys. He says the fun is in conquering my feistiness just for that moment, whilst knowing that it will soon be back in force once again. He also listens intently to my needs in the scene so that he knows that whilst it may appear to be against my will at the time, it is, in fact, entirely consensual. He also tells me that he respects me for the amount I can take when we are playing.
I have found that it helps just to brace yourself and literally spell out some of the things that you want to do. When it came to a schoolgirl (late teens!) scene that I wanted to play, I just came right out and said so, and got a very positive reaction. We both talked and agreed not to make the outfit too 'little girly' and so combined it with stockings and suspenders. I put the outfit on, thought "please don't laugh..." but he didn't, he stepped up to it amazingly well, and the whole roleplay flowed easily, without me prompting him. Everything he actually said had come from my fantasy too, so finally we seemed to have totally clicked on how to play without me needing to give him the script. It left me free to get lost inside my own head while it was happening.
Now, we are in tune enough for him to read me when I need him to spank me. He knows my little codes, the cheeky things I will do or say to "provoke him". He is always, always threatening me when we are out and about and sending shivers through me. He also isn't adverse to giving me a passing glancing slap on the bottom when we are out which causes much curiosity if seen! Once, when we were apart on business, he told me that he had been "thinking" about me in my absence.....I asked him what exactly he'd thought, and he replied "Spanking you...." So now I know I've converted him....!
The rest of our relationship is touched by this also. It makes him more protective and gentle the rest of the time and he sees me as way more feminine, so it's enriched us in all ways possible.
I do think it's important to get some more positive, honest stuff out there. I have read so much online that seems abusive or dangerous. I really don't like the domestic discipline stuff that emphasises real punishments against the will, and seems to make women out to be naturally inferior to men and responsible for all of life's evils...
For me, being in the right state of mind to play these games is all important and anything that is even slightly away from that just feels nasty and hurtful. I never want to feel that Matthew wants to hurt me, only that he wants to do so because fundamentally I'm asking him to. That's a very very different situation and I think that many times it escapes people's attention.
If you read my story, you can see that it has taken some time to get to know how the whole thing works for us. And we have made mistakes. For me personally, as I say, the need to feel "right" about the moment is all important, and sometimes (rarely) I just don't feel like playing those games, say if I'm ill or something. In those times, the other party needs to be able to read the signals. Once or twice, we've slipped up there and I've instantly ended up in tears (not through pain, through emotion) which has been very upsetting for him and something that again we've had to talk through and work on, so that for us, any play is now preceded by a very definite signal or word from me that it is fine and appropriate.
As he didn't come naturally to this thing, I've had to really talk him through it and say "No, it's not that I never want you to spank me ever again, it's just that right now I'm tired and just want to cuddle up on the sofa...please don't stop altogether, just wait a bit..." I know that some people wouldn't like that and would say it's not up to me when and where it happens, but if it's consensual and fun for both parties, then this kind of negotiation is all important. My advice to any women who are, like me, introducing this to previously vanilla partners is to keep talking all the time, never stop telling your partner what works and never be afraid to say what doesn't, otherwise something that seemed a good idea in the mind quickly becomes at best dissatisfying and at worst abusive.
Also, accept your partner's limits too. My husband hates tears, he can't stand to see me cry. Fortunately, I have a high pain threshold and if I'm in the mood to play kinky games, nothing is going to make me cry. But I know that if it did, he'd feel terrible and would not want to play anymore. So, for us, I have to bear in mind this limit, and if it even came close, I'd need to put the brakes on, or it would stop being fun for him and just make him feel terrible. I can shout my head off, struggle and call him everything, but just no crying!